`I am 27, my life is destroyed'

In the words of a surrendered naxalite.

I WAS around 12 years old when the naxalites started coming to our village. During the meetings [they had with the village residents], they used to say young boys and girls should come forward so that we can bring about the rule of poor people.

They had guns but I was not scared because they were so free with us, like our own brothers and sisters. They used to ask us about our troubles, the problems in the village, our thoughts, feelings... . They used to even settle small disputes in the village.

My parents died when we were young. I have a younger brother and sister. We used to live with our uncle, who worked with them and later, joined them. One day, the commander told my uncle, "We are taking this girl with us."

I was 12 years old. I don't even remember why I went with them, I was so young, uneducated. They taught me everyday for two hours in the morning. They made us listen to the radio, talk about politics, world history. I didn't feel any desire to do anything for my country or my people. Many from our village joined them, so I thought that I should also go. We used to visit the villages all day, until the evening, and return to the jungle in the night to sleep in tents. We used to plan eight days ahead which villages to go to.

Just like the police, the naxalites undergo a tough military training. I was in three winter camps. They teach us how to use a gun, how to open it, fit it, what to do if the enemy comes. They also used to sing songs and tell us what is happening in the world. Even when I was in the village, I had learned to throw bombs and shoot. It's not difficult.

I joined the dalam [armed squad] straightaway. I was commander for three years. I was ill, so they demoted me to area committee. For six months, I was platoon commander. Then I went to a military camp, where they teach you rolling, jumping. There, I got very ill. My stomach started hurting a lot. Six months later, I had to be operated for ulcers. So I left the platoon.

I was married in the dalam to Naresh. I left him after three years. He didn't tell me his surname but after we got married, someone told me that he was a distant relative. I didn't like that so I left him.

During the 14 years that I was in the party, I went back home only twice, that too for one or two hours.

I faced 11 encounters. If the police fired, we would return the fire. I didn't know whether anyone was killed or not. I have seen my comrades cut others' necks if they were informers. I didn't kill, but those with me did. When I saw that, I felt it was not right.

I didn't like it in the jungle. I thought: "How long will I keep roaming?" I wanted to go home. The police force had become stronger, so firings had increased. Sometimes you didn't get food. I tried to leave, but I had gone very far in Balaghat in Madhya Pradesh. My health worsened there, so I asked them to transfer me to Maharashtra. But they kept refusing and told me, "Don't go. You are so senior, you know the jungle, and you know the language."

They sent me to a platoon, which came to Maharashtra, so I took my chance and ran. I got up at 4 a.m. and escaped to my village. When I reached the village, I thought that I would rest for two or three days and then surrender to the police. But my uncle called the police the same day.

My uncle left the party before me. I heard them say that our house will be burned because my uncle went back. I felt that it was best to leave. What was the point of staying after they had harmed my family and destroyed my home? After that, my seniors started to be suspicious of me. How could I tell them to save him [my uncle]? They would not listen. I was small, didn't have any say in decisions.

I surrendered in May 2005. I can't go back home. I knew that I would have to go to jail or stay with the police. There was no other way. Even there, I would have eventually died by a bullet. Luckily, the police have pardoned my jail sentence. I am living with my uncle and his family. He now works for the police. If I go back to my village, they will come to get me. The rest of my family is still in the village. They are still in danger.

Now, my life is destroyed. I wasted 14 years. Coming back half-way through my life and starting again is difficult. If I had stayed at home and got married, it would have been better. Now at 27 years, I have to start a new life again.

As told to Dionne Bunsha